Cowboys and Muslims

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge

in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a

Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third

passenger is a undamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana

State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two

Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the

conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine

table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind

outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping;

but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At

one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people

were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that

is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and

from

the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, ..

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,

but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Goofy Answering Machine Messages

I almost thought about putting some of these on my answering machine.

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They do their charitable giving through their church and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

***

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep, and whoever wins will call you right back.

***

I'm sorry - all of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

***

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

***

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, Leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

***

Hello. You have reached Dial-an-Unpopular-Luncheon-Meat. I am pickle and pimento loaf. Please leave me a message.

***

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

***

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

***

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

***

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

***

Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas, please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

***

This is Dan's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

***

"Hi! Now you say something."

***

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

***

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

***

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

***

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic, thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

***

"Hello!" (give caller sufficient time to say "hello" back...)

"Hello!" (once again give caller sufficient time to say hello back...)

"Something must be wrong with my phone again ... I can't hear you. Just go ahead leave a message when you hear the tone."

***

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

***

The number you have reached, 555-0477, has been changed. The new number is 555-0477. Please make a note of it.

***

"Hi. I am probably home and just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

***

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

***

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

***

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? - Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

***

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

***

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

***

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave a message when the toast is done.... (Cachunk!)

***

Hello, this is WABC, and you're on the air!

(or)

Hello, and congratulations! You're caller number nine!

***

(Very fast) Hi, this is 555-4344. If you'd like to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

***

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

***

Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

***

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like when you're listening to it...I mean like, wait, oh boy. This is confusing.

***

Hi, you've reached 555-2359. We're not ... BEEP ... eht retfa egassem ruoy eveal esaelp os ,won thgir emoh ton er'eW .gnillac rof uoy knahT.

***

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

***

"To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all."

My links

If you look at the right side of my page, you will see a section called My Links. This is where I put links to some of my favorite internet sites and services. I encourage you to check them out. If you would like to see your link there, you have to convince me that it's worth while. I put links to things I like; it's my way of "paying" these people for free internet stuff or promoting worthy causes. To inform me of your request for a link on my blog, comment on this post. I'll check you out. I'll go ahead and tell you now that my interests lie mainly in the area of webdesign. If you are something way off from that, don't bother. If I really detest you, I'll delete the comment so fast your head will spin and will encourage people to NOT bother with you. I look forward to promoting (some of) you.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

This joke has about a million different answers, I know. But hear the answer straight from some famous people. . . .

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?