For Pete's Sake!

According to Tom . . .

2005-03-12T21:57:00.000-05:00

Tom always has the best way of putting it.

"All right then, we'll use a water solution," Tom acquiesced.

"There's room for one more," Tom admitted.

"Here's your allowance for the next two weeks," Tom advanced.

"Aw, come on! Why can't we ever go to the game?" Tom bawled.

"I am NOT full of hot air," Tom belched.

"The fire's going out!" Tom bellowed.

"The giant sea creature died," Tom blubbered and wailed.

"My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him," Tom bragged.

"I don't like this brush," Tom bristled.

"I like Chinese detective films!" Tom chanted.

"I want another plate of steamers!" Tom clamoured.

"Have another cola," Tom coaxed.

"We've overthrown the government," Tom cooed.

"I saw more black birds than you did," Tom crowed.

"So what if the Greek piper god is deceased?" Tom deadpanned.

"Someone removed all the twos from this deck," Tom deduced.

"Beagles are all dumb," Tom dogmatized.

"Work, work, work! That's all I ever do," Tom droned.

"I used to be a goldminer," Tom exclaimed.

"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.

"I've done well on my diet," Tom expounded.

"I used to work for Manpower," Tom extemporized.

"I hope I can still play the guitar," Tom fretted.

"I must be just a visitor," Tom guessed.

"I've struck oil," Tom gushed.

"I feel empty inside," Tom hollered.

"That mischievous child deceived me," Tom implied.

"She must be wearing her mink inside out," Tom inferred.

"This meat is not very tender," Tom insinuated.

"I can stay on pitch when I sing," Tom intoned.

"You look like a baby goat," Tom kidded.

"You know, I do love cats," Tom mused.

"That's not a sheltie - it's just a mongrel," Tom muttered.

"O! What I'd give to see the nicest of all trees - evergreens!" Tom opined.

"The exit is right there," Tom pointed out.

"We'll get there before you do," Tom and Harry predicted.

"Yippee! Another windstorm," Tom regaled.

"I want to renew my membership," Tom rejoined.

"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

"I used to think amputation was irreversible," Tom remembered.

"I'll glue the sheets of wood back together," Tom replied.

"Corroborate that again," Tom reproved.

"May I go look for the Holy Grail again?" Tom requested.

"We're having calf once again," Tom revealed.

"That's it! No more! That's my third electric shock this week!" Tom revolted.

"I got the stain out of my favorite shirt!" Tom shouted.

"I ate the last candy bar," Tom snickered.

"It looks like it's going to storm," Tom thundered.

"I hate milking cows," Tom uttered.

"Oh no! It's Moby Dick!" Tom wailed.

"Yuk! My grape juice has fermented," Tom whined.

"I don't like sweet potatoes," Tom yammered.

Three C's

2005-03-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. They also tracked her calves to their stalls, but they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each illegal alien a cow....

CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them OURS? It was written by a lot of really smart guys; it's worked for over 200 years; and we're obviously not using it anymore.

COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse... You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal" and "Thou shalt not bear false witness" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. Apparently it creates a hostile work environment!

Cowboys and Muslims

2005-01-14T13:44:00.000-05:00

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge

in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a

Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third

passenger is a undamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana

State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two

Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the

conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine

table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind

outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping;

but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At

one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people

were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that

is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and

from

the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, ..

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,

but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Goofy Answering Machine Messages

2005-01-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

I almost thought about putting some of these on my answering machine.

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They do their charitable giving through their church and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

***

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep, and whoever wins will call you right back.

***

I'm sorry - all of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

***

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

***

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, Leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

***

Hello. You have reached Dial-an-Unpopular-Luncheon-Meat. I am pickle and pimento loaf. Please leave me a message.

***

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

***

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

***

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

***

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

***

Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas, please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)

***

This is Dan's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

***

"Hi! Now you say something."

***

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

***

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

***

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

***

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic, thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

***

"Hello!" (give caller sufficient time to say "hello" back...)

"Hello!" (once again give caller sufficient time to say hello back...)

"Something must be wrong with my phone again ... I can't hear you. Just go ahead leave a message when you hear the tone."

***

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

***

The number you have reached, 555-0477, has been changed. The new number is 555-0477. Please make a note of it.

***

"Hi. I am probably home and just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

***

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

***

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

***

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? - Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

***

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

***

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

***

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave a message when the toast is done.... (Cachunk!)

***

Hello, this is WABC, and you're on the air!

(or)

Hello, and congratulations! You're caller number nine!

***

(Very fast) Hi, this is 555-4344. If you'd like to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

***

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

***

Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

***

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like when you're listening to it...I mean like, wait, oh boy. This is confusing.

***

Hi, you've reached 555-2359. We're not ... BEEP ... eht retfa egassem ruoy eveal esaelp os ,won thgir emoh ton er'eW .gnillac rof uoy knahT.

***

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

***

"To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all."

My links

2005-01-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

If you look at the right side of my page, you will see a section called My Links. This is where I put links to some of my favorite internet sites and services. I encourage you to check them out. If you would like to see your link there, you have to convince me that it's worth while. I put links to things I like; it's my way of "paying" these people for free internet stuff or promoting worthy causes. To inform me of your request for a link on my blog, comment on this post. I'll check you out. I'll go ahead and tell you now that my interests lie mainly in the area of webdesign. If you are something way off from that, don't bother. If I really detest you, I'll delete the comment so fast your head will spin and will encourage people to NOT bother with you. I look forward to promoting (some of) you.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

2005-01-01T16:58:00.000-05:00

This joke has about a million different answers, I know. But hear the answer straight from some famous people. . . .

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

Only in Lebanon . . .

2004-12-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

That's interesting . . . very interesting . . . so interesting in fact that my city has been noted as having the 2nd most unusual New Year's Tradition (source PAPI International). What is it, you may ask? Well, NY drops a ball, Lancaster and York drop roses - everybody drops something! But my city has the second most unusual drop in the country - Bologna! That's right, bologna! If there's one thing that Lebanon is famous for, it's bologna; not just any old bologna, a 7' long Lebanon Bologna! Good stuff, that.
Who had the 1st most unusual, you may ask? Lebanon was outdone only by another county in Pennsylvania (name, i forget) that drops a stuffed goat! Now that is a bunch of bologna.

Congrats Bloggers!

2004-12-30T19:33:00.000-05:00

Congrats to all Bloggers on being People of the Year! Tonight, ABC news dubbed bloggers as one of their "People of the Year" groups. Applause!

New Years Eve History

2004-12-28T21:46:00.000-05:00

Here are some important events that were accomplished just before the turn of a new year (some people just had to get in their quota)

- On Dec. 31, 1879: Thomas Edison publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, N.J.

- In 1775: The British repulsed an attack by Continental Army Gens. Richard Montgomery and Benedict Arnold at Quebec. Montgomery was killed.

- In 1862: President Lincoln signed an act admitting West Virginia to the Union.

- In 1897: Brooklyn, N.Y., was on the eve as a separate entity before becoming part of New York City.

- In 1946: President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.

- In 1961: The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

- In 1974: Americans were allowed to buy and own gold for the first time in more than 40 years.

- In 1978: Taiwanese diplomats struck their colors for the last time from the embassy flagpole in Washington, marking the end of diplomatic relations with the United States.

- In 1985: Singer Rick Nelson, 45, and six other people died in a fire aboard a DC-3 while they were en route to Dallas for a New Year's Eve performance.

- In 1986: Fire killed 97 people in the Dupont Plaza Hotel in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Three hotel workers later pleaded guilty to charges in connection with the blaze.

- In 1989: Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir fired Science Minister Ezer Weizman, accusing him of meeting with officials of the Palestine Liberation Organization.

- In 1994: Bosnian government officials and Bosnian Serb leaders signed a U.N.-brokered cease-fire agreement; Russian ground forces launched a ferocious assault on the Chechen capital of Grozny.

- In 1997: Michael Kennedy, 39-year-old son of the late Senator Robert F. Kennedy, was killed in a skiing accident on Aspen Mountain in Colorado.

- in 1998: Europe's leaders proclaimed a new era as 11 nations merged currencies to create the euro, a shared money they said would boost business, underpin unity and strengthen roles in world affairs.

Happy Kwazmaska!

2004-12-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

:sigh: What's up with the world? Can't you say Merry Christmas anymore without being branded as "politically incorrect"? I realize that other people are celebrating other holidays and that not everyone believes in Christmas (thats another story). In fact, one of my co-workers doesn't. Now i'm not saying that we should "enforce" our holiday on others that don't want anything to do with it (but certainly if you know of the true meaning of Christmas, you should be spreading the good news), but this personal encounter of mine just ticked me off. . .

We just got our Christmas tree this past Saturday (late, i know). Finally found a good one that was left at a small family-run farm. The man in charge was very nice - picked the tree up, shook the dead needles off, put it in one of those plastic mesh thingies, and took it to our car. This being done, he departs by saying, "You folks enjoy the holidays now." Enjoy what?! For crying out loud, one would think that you could be safe in saying Merry Christmas at a Christmas tree farm!! Do you really think that someone will be offended because they were actually picking up their Hannakah tree! Really now.

For those of you who are also fed up with people saying "Happy Holidays", I recommend a reply of "Happy Kwazmaska to you too!"

Christmas Lights

2004-12-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

Some counselors claim that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in relationships? They say the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. With this in mind I present the following to you:

What NOT to Say when Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree!

"Hello!!! You've got two red lights right next to each other. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

"Here! Give me that!"

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

"Where's the cat?"

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside down. The electric plug thingie should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

Christmas Humor

2004-12-18T18:00:00.000-05:00

Every year around Christmas time, it seems that everybody has nothing else to do except try to make the rest of the world groan over their Christmas "jokes" (Dad . . .). You see, all of those poor starving comedians know what time of year it is; everyone is thinking about Christmas, and the only way to get the populous to pay more attention to them than to shopping, Santa, and snowflakes is to start spouting off jokes that fit the mood of the season.

Oh, but don't get the idea that I hate those kind of jokes, in fact, some of them are quite hilarious (it must be that those comedians are trying extra hard). Let me share a couple with you.

The average 40 year old American has heard appoximately 16.3 different versions of the 12 Days of Christmas (source: PAPI International, 2004). Since I'm a homeschooler (yeah!), this one particularly appeals to me . . .

The 12 Days of Homeschool

On the first day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me. . . "Can you homeschool legally?"

On the second day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the third day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me. . . "Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the fourth day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the fifth day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me. . . "You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the sixth day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "Why do you do this? You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the seventh day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "How long will you homeschool? Why do you do this? You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the eighth day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "Look at what they're missing. How long will you homeschool? Why do you do this? You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the ninth day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "I could never do this. Look at what they're missing. How long will you homeschool? Why do you do this? You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the tenth day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "They'll miss the prom. I could never do this. Look at what they're missing. How long will you homeschool? Why do you do this? You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the eleventh day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "What about graduation? They'll miss the prom. I could never do this. Look at what they're missing. How long will you homeschool? Why do you do this? You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

On the twelth day of Homeschool my neighbor said to me . . . "Can they go to college? What about graduation? They'll miss the prom. I could never do this. Look at what they're missing. How long will you homeschool? Why do you do this? You are so strange. What about P.E.? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? And can you homeschool legally?"

I'll give you a day to recover from your laughter and give you another good one.